Deal Jokes / Recent Jokes

The husband arrived home from work one day and said to his wife, "Honey, I have a new secretary and imagine what happened. She has a red and white bra. Those are the colors of my favorite football team. It's really not a big deal, but it feels good."
The next day when he got home, his wife asked him how his day was.
"Terrific!" he replied. "Get this! Not only is her bra red and white, but her panties are too. You know it's not a big deal, but it really feels good."
The following day they met at home after work and this time the husband asked his wife, "What happened today in your office, honey?"
"Nothing special, dear," she said. "I got a new boss today. His dick is at least two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, damn, it feels good!"

There is a great deal of difference between the eager man who wants to read a book, and the tired man who wants a book to read. G. K. Chesterton

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

The family picture is on His desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on Her desk - Um, her family will come before her career.
His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.
He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping.
He's not in the office - He's meeting a customer.
She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.
He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.
She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.
The boss criticized Him - He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized Her - She'll be very upset.
He got an unfair deal - Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal - Did she cry?
He's getting married - He'll get more settled.
She's getting married - She'll get pregnant more...

Whilst being accosted by a certain aggressive Fundamentalist sect the other day it dawned on me that the major world's religions have fundamental mindsets, styles, and procedures not unlike those of popularly-known businesses. For example, consider the world's major religions:
HINDUISM: Much like an import market -- a wide variety of curios, trinkets, bizarre weapons, and grotesque statuary; colorful, gaudy, elaborate, and of questionable taste. The building has several floors but there are no stairs between them.
BUDDHISM: An arts shop with a range of elegant and sophisticated curios pleasing to the eye and harmonious to the mind, though not necessarily of much practical use. However, you must buy one of everything. .. but if you just want to browse, that's OK too.
JUDAISM: A large banking concern that's been in the family for generations. Plush carpet, nice leather chairs, memorabilia of the past arranged on the walls; generally they prefer to deal with insiders but more...

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200. 00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199. 00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1. 00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1. 00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES~~ (prepared and presented by males):
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Gravity is on Your Side
17. more...