Deathbed Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer who was on his deathbed at home called out to his wife. When she came rushing into the room, he told her to get the Bible for him as quickly as possible. Being a religious woman, she felt this was a good idea.
She ran and got the Bible for him and was preparing to start reading to him when he snatched the Bible out of her hands.
Quickly, he started scanning the pages, eyes shifting left and right. Watching him and becoming curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing dear?"
"Looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

Steve and Bill had been friends for more than 25 years and their friendship had weathered innumerable arguments. However, Steve, being the more intelligent one, had fared better than Bill in business and this was a constant source of irritation to Bill.
Steve was on his deathbed, with Bill hovering over him. In his last few moments, Steve called Bill closer to him and said, "Bill, you know we've been friends for a very long time. I have this one last wish which only you, my friend, can grant. Can I count on you?"
"Of course, just tell me what it is and I'll do it happily," Bill replied. "Anything for you, buddy."
"There's this bottle of the finest scotch which I've been saving for the last 15 years," Steve said. "I want you to pour it over my grave when I'm gone. Will you do it?"
"Certainly I'll do it," Bill said, "but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"
He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.
He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. "What are you doing, honey?" she asked.
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No!," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No way!," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Murphy.
"Because," said the dying man...
"I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!"

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed."Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan."No!," said the dying man."I say, renounce the devil and his works!""No way!," the man repeats."And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Murphy."Because," said the dying man..."I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!"