Delay Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country.

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground.

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of' stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels"

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger m*st*rb*ting on more...

Functions delay binding; data structures induce binding. Moral: Structure data late in the programming process.

Said to be true:

There was a boatswain's mate named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches inport on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---

In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:

'Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail.'

A very pregnant pause' Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!'

Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD (Officer of the Deck).

'Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash *receptacles* into the *containers* provided on the pier.'

This was a different day but he was piping' general visiting'

'Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard.'

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to more...

Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground. (The Tube is the London underground system).At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.""Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.""Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not more...