Demands Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce.
"He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!"
"Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens."
"We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!"

BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA: Dear Santa: Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up more...

As Hostage Taker:
1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
9. Forget your gun at home.
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
11.Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is more...

A guy wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts into a sperm bank. He approaches the woman at the desk and screams, "Open the fucking vault!"
"But sir, we don't have any money," she nervously replies. "This is a sperm bank."
"Stop arguing and open the damn safe," he demands, waving the gun in her face. Not wanting to provoke him further, she opens the vault door. "Now, take out one of the bottles and drink it," he shouts.
"But these are sperm samples," she tearfully replies.
"I don't give a damn. Do it!" he demands. So, she removes the cap from the bottle and gulps it down.
He then points to another bottle and tells her to drink that one as well. She takes the bottle out, removes the cap and downs that one too.
After making her do this a couple more times, he whips off his ski mask and she's startled to see that it's her husband. "See honey," he says, "that wasn't so fucking more...

Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.