Demands Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

An American tourist arrives in India; it is his first visit to the country. He hires a cab for the day to take him round the city. Outside a bakery, he espies a big mob jostling, pushing, everyone trying to get in at the same time.' What is going on?' he asks the Sikh taxi driver.
The sardar/ir is very patriotic and does not wish the foreigner to have an unfavourable impression of his country.' They are shooting a film,' he replies blandly.
A little later they come to a yet greater mob of people outside a ration shop selling wheat and cooking oil. Jostling, pushing, everyone trying to get in at the same time.' What's going on here?' demands the American.
'It's the same film; part second,' replies the sardar//^ and drives on.
A third mob outside the kerosene oil depot. Men, women and children banging their tin cans, raising a hell of a shinding. And what's going on here?' asks the visitor.
'Same film; part three,' replied the sardar//.
'Say, what kind of more...

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

Forget your gun at home.

Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a more...

Top Baseball Player Demands From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994 In case anyone has od'ed on O. J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.] No team flights on Continental Airlines. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros. Make it legal to cork their pants. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert] Two words: Streisand tickets. Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie". Plenty of dugout Slimfast. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed. More games against the Mets.

A couple of Martians land at a closed gas station in the middle of the night. They exit their spaceship and approach a gas pump.
They look it over quizzically and one says to the other, "I think these must be Earth people."
"Take us to your leader!" the first Martian demands. There's no response.
"I don't think we should fuck around with this one," the second Martian whispers to his partner.
"I demand you take us to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" the first Martian demands again. Still, there's no response.
The first Martian then takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. The gas pump and the entire station blow up and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a nearby tree.
The second Martian screams to his partner, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH A GUY WHO CAN WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!".
The nurse looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!", yelled the ski-mask bandit. So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", he demands.
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, more...