Determine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.Man who run in front of car get tired.Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.Man with one chopstick go hungry.Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.War not determine who right, war determine who left.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.Man who drive like hell bound to get there.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.Man who farts more...

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: A. the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: A. the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: A. find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: A. my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am: A. more...

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on. 1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems? 2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier? 3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee? 4. Do you more...

For your new first name:
Take the first 3 letters of your first name,
add a hyphen '-', and
add the first two letters of your last name.
For your new last name:
Take the first 2 letters of your mum's maiden name, and
add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.
To determine your Star Wars honorific title:
Take the last 3 letters of your last name, and reverse them,
add the name of the first car you drove,
insert the word "of", and
tack on the name of the last medication you took.
Voil

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft`s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter`s window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building more...

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? more...

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation.

11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not more...