Dish Jokes / Recent Jokes

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall’s, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the more...

If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
Avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
Split a large combination pizza with three friends;
Think Oreo cookies are for kids;
Nibble cashews one at a time;
Think that doughnuts are indigestible;
Read books they have to hold with both hands;
Become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
Fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
Counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
Exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
Lose more...

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the more...

Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer? The cat kept fiddling with i.t.

Vacationing in Mexico
A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to the local restaurant for dinner. They can't seem to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of time looking over the menu.
While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters. With much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish.
The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about.
The waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty: the testicles of the bull from the day's bullfight. The couple orders the same dish. The waiter apologetically explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight. However, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night. This compromise makes the couple happy.
They return the next more...

An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.' Sir, these are the cojones,' the waiter replied.' The what, you say?' exclaimed the tourist.' They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,' explained the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal,the tourist commented to the waiter:' Today's cojones aremuch smaller than the ones I had yesterday.'' True, sir,' said the waiter,' you see the bull does not always lose...'