Doc Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even more...

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh... he is breast fed!", replied the woman." Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doc asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it." The first doc asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?" The second medic answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"

Brian went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"My fee is per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Brian. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the doctor and Brian crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for free! "
"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem... didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. more...

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"

The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright."

He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did more...