Drove Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that
even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.
I thought my windows was down but I found out it was up when I put
my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for more...

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at leat they claim to be ACTUAL statements. - You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
Man Driver (MD): I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
WD: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
MD: In any attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
MD: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old more...

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur? ” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the more...

Once a man was coming home he saw the stars were shining, the dogs were barking at a thief who came and broke the wall and drove off. After sometime when the police arrived they asked the man what happened he said the stars were barking the dogs were shining a thief came and broke the car and drove the wall the police said from where you were coming he said from the doctor.

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEANRESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

[To the tune of "American Pie"] A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they`d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage. I can`t remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer`ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it`s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this`ll be the day that they die.
This`ll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well more...