Collided Jokes

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q: What warning was given by you?

A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party?

A: Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would more...

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at leat they claim to be ACTUAL statements. - You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
Man Driver (MD): I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
WD: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
MD: In any attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
MD: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old more...

Insurance Form Statements... Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I more...

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are NEW (mostly), and are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag... but. .. they've escaped.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front more...