Email Jokes / Recent Jokes

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: more...

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair more...

Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Support Department:
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public more...

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

you know 56k means' reliable 33. 6' and 33. 6 means' reliable 28. 8' and so forth.

you know the win98 setup wizard by heart and can walk a user through it without even interrupting your Quake/MUD/IRC session to do so.

you know where the email settings are in Internet Mail, Outlook Express, Pegasus, Eudora, Netscape Mail, Messenger Mailbox, and you don't use any of those programs for personal use.

you maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.

you know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they've done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.

you know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.

you know more ip addresses than phone numbers. Sometimes you just find it easier to type the dotted quad.

you know more phone numbers to modem banks than you more...

The typical Internet user receives an average of 17,000 email messages per year. Of this total, an average of one message actually contains useful information (it says: 'Disregard previous email'). The rest are porno ads, investment opportunities for morons ('Make Big Money Petting Kittens At Home!'), and jokes that were originally set in movable type by Johann Gutenberg. -Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means
that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that
it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop
operating. -Dave Barry
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.
We cause accidents. -Nathaniel Borenstein
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is more...

First of all, if you get an email with the program Happy99.exe in it, don't open it --it sends itself to all entries in your email address book and mails itself out to them.

But, perhaps we should consider the top reasons why you haven't yet received it?

1) You have no friends
2) Even mail handlers think you are too prudish for the contents
3) You are receiving this by smoke signals
4) You wrap your computer in latex, for protection
5) Your computer is powered by a Z80
6) You're still looking for the any key

Hmm any other thoughts?