Email Jokes / Recent Jokes

I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1. 44MB disk. I will stop sending email to my roommate. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear. .. I'm coming. Never mind. No more downloads from alt. binaries.* I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily. .. well, once a week. .. monthly, perhaps. .. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support." I will read the manual. I will think of a password other than "password." I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: more...

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the Email said?
Just wondering, I didn't get one either.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that more...

Top Marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind.

All was fine,' til they realised that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software.

They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses,

There is a new virus making the rounds called 'Work'. If you receive any kind of 'work' at all, be it via email, internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague - DO NOT OPEN IT!
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have attempted to open 'work', or even look at 'work', have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you should happen to encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then to purge the virus send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry, I'm off to the bar". The 'work' should automatically be deleted from your brain.
Should you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the 'work' to your trash can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with a couple of friends and order some beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message more...

This is pretty close to an actual sales call I received. The sales
person's name has been changed. The company name has not. I think
we'll stick with our current provider.
Bob: Hello, I'm Bob ______ from AT&T, and I'm calling to let you know
about the Internet services we offer. Do you have a minute to...
Me: I'm kind of busy right now, but if you could just email me the
information I'll call you back if I'm interested. My address
is...
Bob: Could I have your fax number? We're behind a firewall, so our email
doesn't always get through.