Ensure Jokes / Recent Jokes

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
Personnel will utilize standard more...

AL GORE: I invented that chicken. I raised chickens on the family farm. With my own two hands I fed them, I watered them, I shoveled after them. Until I draw my last breath, I will not rest until every chicken is safe to cross the road. My opponent's chicken policy is a risky scheme that will endanger social security.

GEORGE W: I think my record in Texas shows my concern for chickens crossing the road everywhere. My policies will ensure that no chicken will be left behind. Additionally, they will have the right to invest their egg money in ways that will ensure they have a retirement that will provide for them.

HILLARY CLINTON: It takes a village to raise a chicken. I've been all over New York State listening to chickens everywhere. I've been a fan of New York chickens my whole life.

JOHNNY COCHRAN: You think you saw that chicken cross the road? But what's the real story? The L.A.P.D. made it LOOK like that chicken crossed the road. That Mark Furman more...

Solitaire' 99

Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.

Microsoft Solitaire' 98

README file, v4. 3

Welcome!

Congratulations!

Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire' 98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"

For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.*

Solitaire' 98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.

System Requirements:

- 266 MHz Pentium II more...

Solitaire' 99Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire' 98README file, v4. 3Welcome! Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire' 98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire' 98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2. 1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 more...

OPERATION ORDER 12-98
FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LT jg SANTA CLAUS
1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, more...

1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. more...

SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS. READ AND SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
WARNING: The following basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of fire, shock and personal injury.
Check the voltage on the nameplate.
Implies check the face to see if all is OK
Keep the work place clean.
Which means, ensure there are no knifes, blades or other objects within reach. These invite injuries to the tool (e.g Bobbitization), or to the personnel.
Consider the work environment.
Keep the area well lit (Unfortunately 90% of the time tool is used in dark)
Keep children away.
Before operating the tool make sure that the children are fast asleep.
Store the tool.
When not in use, store the tool in a dry place away from children's reach.
Do not force the tool.
The tool will do its job better and safer at a rate for which it is intended. Do not overwork the tool.
Use the right tool.
When the job is big and the tool is small then change the more...