Fair Jokes / Recent Jokes

- "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
- "Your life is not my fault."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "Remember, when you gotta cuff' em, nobody is your friend."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
- "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "You can't outrun a radio."
- "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you more...

This is original. After this experience, I wrote it up for a local
newsgroup. I was asked for some clarification, and I posted the followup
at the bottom.
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get ready
for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time to discuss some
of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one of
the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this secret to any
women or girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The boss is
usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women. HOWEVER, there isn't
all that much difference between men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter than the
girls your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know your mother
could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do you more...

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.""If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.""Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.""So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?""Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.""The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?""Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.""Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.""Just how big were those two beers?""No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but more...

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

One hundred forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical more...

Yeh tri aankhein jhuki-jhuki si,
Yeh tra chehra khila-khila sa,
jab tre chehre par haath fera,
Aadha kilo Fair & lovely mila…

The captain was talking to the umpire.' Now when you're out there, I expect you to be perfectly fair and stick to the rules. But I'd like to point out that this ground is right next to the hospital, the canal runs down the other side and we haven't lost a game all season!'

Life isn't fair.
I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.