Files Jokes / Recent Jokes

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus1. 0
(marketing name: Fiancee1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1. 0 to
Wife1. 0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and
Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't
ask for them, Wife1. 0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4. 0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button

- Minimize button

- Shutdown feature

- An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4. 0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

- "Abort" button (O. K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with Girlfriend 1. 0 still installed,
they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall Girlfriend 1. 0 but it more...

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's more...

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would more...

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting. The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory. The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did. The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background. The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes. The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB. The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files. The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files. The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back. and last but not least. .. The LORENA BOBBITT more...

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7. 5, CruiseShip 2. 3, and OperaNight 6. 1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1. 3, SaturdayFootball 5. 0, Golf 2. 4 and ClutterEverywhere 4. 5. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14. 1 or HouseCleaning 2. 6.

I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix Husband 1. 0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women more...

A blonde and brunette secretary are at work. The blonde asks the brunette, "Where are the files Mr.Martin told us to bring up that he had to have?" The brunette replies, "In the computer."
The blonde sits there for a while looking at the computer in disbelief. Finally she stood up and threw the computer on the floor. The brunette screams,"What was that for!?!?!", the blonde cried, "Uh! You told me they were in the computer! Well, where are they!

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughtout the national system. Beware of...
THE AL GORE Virus...(causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
THE CLINTON Virus(gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory)
THE BOB DOLE Virus(makes a new hard drive out an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY Virus(Sucks all the memory out of computer, then emails everone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN Virus(saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON Virus(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus(your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slwoly expands to restabilize around araound 200 mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus(deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus(disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC Virus(totally screws up your RAM, but processors doesn't care)
THE JOE BUTTAFUOCO Virus(only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD more...