Flames Jokes / Recent Jokes

Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The regular judge called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the two other judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the chili tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 3 beers to put the flames out. I hope this is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1: Smoky, with more...

Climate/Terrain: Any Usenet
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The Usenet troll (Trollicus useneticus bloodyirritatingus) is an evil
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Usenet trolls are immune to flames (Flammae useneticae), which is
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9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt. recreational. catnip. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog." 4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password... 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout *
*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
*Ask if his bullet-proof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy-ride.
*When he ask you for your licence say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."
*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I droped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
*Lie on the ground and aks him to draw your outline in chalk.
*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school more...

TOKYO (AP) - The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is counter suing for defamation and loss of customers. The Asaka Beer Corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques. Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now more...