Fuck Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny was having dinner with his parents when they started to fight. The dad called mom a bitch and the mom called dad an asshole. The next sunday it was time for them to go to church. Little Johnny walked into the kitchen were his mom was making the turkey they would have for dinner. Suddenly, mom screamed out FUCK because she cut off her finger. Little Johnny asked her what fuck means and mom replied "fuck is when you cut yourself while making a turkey. Then Little Johnny went into the bathroom were his dad was shaving. Suddenly his dad screamed out SHIT because he cut himself. Little Johnny asked his dad what shit means and his dad said "shit is when you cut yourself shaving". So off to church Little Johnny went. When he got to the church the preacher ased where his parents were and Little Johnny said " the bitch is at home fucking the turkey and the asshole is shitting himself".

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Whisky bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a "Bells" screen saver.

Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog
Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins
Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk
Floppies are Them Wee Plastic Fuckers.

And instead of an error message, you get a windae covered with an empty Whisky bottle.

Other features:
OK = its aww-right
cancel = fuck off
reset = whit yoo aw aboot
yes = aye
no = nay fuckin' chance
find = get it yer fuckin' sel'
go to = more...

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that
he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California:


Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well,
I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair
of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the
whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in
the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers,
my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the
elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for
humanity!

What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a more...

A young woman is standing on the balcony of her apartment admiring the view, when she slips and falls over the side. She is caught a few floors down by a man who happens to also be out on his balcony.
"Oh, thank you," says the young woman, to which the man replies, "Do you suck?" "No!" says the horrified young woman, so he drops her.
She falls down some more floors when she is once again caught by a man who's out on his balcony.
"Oh, thank you," she says, to which he replies, "Do you fuck?" "No!!" she says, once again shocked. He too drops her.
As she is falling, she prays for one last chance. A third man who's standing on his balcony catches her.
Quickly, she yells to the man, "I Suck, I Fuck!"
"Slut!" he says, as he drops her.

young billy over heard his parents fighting while getting ready for a party. his dad called his mom a bitch and his mom called his dad a bastard.and billy said mom wuts a bitch and a bastard? and his mom said a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a man. next he went outside and heard his neighbor say put your hot dog in my hot dog bun. and billy said mom whats a hot dog and a hot dog bun? a hot dog buns a hat and a hot dog is a coat. next he went upstairs and heard his dad say shit. and he said shit cause he cut himself. and billy said whats shit? and his dad said shit is a kind of shaving cream.then he went downstairs. his mom said fuck while she was cutting the turkey. and he said whats fuck.? and she said it was a way of cutting the turkey.then the door bell rang and she said go greet the guests. ok said billy. when he opened the door he said hi bitches and bastards, may i take your hot dogs and hot dog buns, my dads upstairs wiping the shit off his face and my moms fucking the turkey.

Q: Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?
A: Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip. Then you say, "Honey, you're the worst piece of ass I ever had!"
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Billy is a poor boy, lives on a farm, gets made fun of at school, and does'nt have any friends. So he's walking home one day from school, and at that it was'nt a very good one, and as he's almost at his house, see's a pig, and says, "Stupid fuck'in pig." and kicks it.

Then his mom sticks her head out the window and says,"Billy, I saw that. No pork for a month!".

Billy says,"Bitch!." see's the chicken walking around and says,"Stupid fuck'in chikcen, strut'in around like she owns the place!"and kicks it.

The mom stcks her head out the window, and says,"Billy,I saw that. No chicken for... 2 months!".

Then Billy goes and sits down on his porch because he figures if he goes inside he'll just get in more trouble. About five minutes later,his dad pulls up in thier pick-up truck, opens up the door, and steps on their cat. The dad says,"Stupid fuck'in cat!"and kicks it.

Billy more...