Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist:you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat:you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer:you more...

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."

1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

5. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

6. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

10. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" more...

Just in case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping yet, here are a few suggestions. With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help!

Rule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men more...

March Planned For Next August

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

Men are like department stores...
their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee...
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes...
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the crap out of you.

What are the two reasons men don't mind their own business?
No mind - no business

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

Why is it hard for more...

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. Ask us if we got taught how to use a computer at High School... the teachers at High School are responsible for everything we ever learned about computers.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with more...