Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

2. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

3. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

4. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

7. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

8. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

9. If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving isn't for you.

10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an Idiot.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol more...

* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

* The Earth Is Full - Go Home

* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

* This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

* Honk If Anything Falls Off

* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

* It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

* Boldly Going Nowhere

* Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married more...

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, more...

To the citizens of the United States of America... In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right. Honorable. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up more...

Ketchup Receipes, by Tom Mato

How to Stay Tidy, by Colleen Thea House

Strong Man, by Jim Nasium

I Ran the Boston Marathon, by Emma I. Tired

Blowout, by Aaron D. Tires

I'm Sorry, You're Sorry, by A. Paula Jize

My Life as a Landscaper, by Moe Grass

The Wrong Man, by Hans Offme

Camera Techniques, by Otto Focus

Gas Guzzler, by Phil Mye Tank

Nuclear Power, by Ray D. Ashun