Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes
. ..all you get on Valentin'e Day is a card addressed "Occupant."
...your alphabet soup spells out "Stupid".
...you find out you're an underachiever and your teacher is an overexpecter.
...opportunity knocks at your door, you're busy mowing the lawn.
...you go to a palm reader and she can't find your life line.
...you drop your open-faced peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and it lands jelly-side-down.
...your VCR breaks down the same day you win a video-club membership.
...you have to pay overdue fines at the library for How to Improve Your Memory.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon -- we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you cantell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in more...
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look more...
SHOPPING FOR WOMEN
1. Park the car
2. Get a cart
3. Fill the cart with useful things in a record time.
4. Put the shopping in a rational way (All the fridge stuff together, groceries in a separate bag, etc)
5. Pay
6. Go back home.
7. Empty the bags and tidy everything up.
SHOPPING FOR MEN
1. Park the car
2. Get into the store.
3. Get out of the store and pick a cart.
4. Get into the store.
5. Stroll through all the corridors of the store.
6. Stop by the magazines and browse the last "Sport Illustrated"
7. Buy a pair of socks, 2 frozen pizzas, a case of beer, Sausages, pistachios and a comic (Optional: Foldable swimming pool in winter, two helmets for the kids in case they are going to use the bicycles, fertilizer (also in winter), some tools that he might use some day).
8. Don't worry about milk, bread more...
Favorite Fizzies are:
Australian mammals drink Coca-Koala
Ranchers drink Mountain Dude
Optometrists drink Dr. Peeper
Angels drink Heaven Up
Surgeons drink Slice
Beggars drink Cherry Coax
Sailors drink Pep-sea
Lambs drink Ewe-Hoo
Zombies drink Canada Die
Computer programmers drink Apple Cyber
She stops reading Cosmo and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
She buys $100 worth of chocolate and justifies it by saying "But honey, I just know it's one of the major food groups."
She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding her broom.
She's suddenly developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers a round."
She buys me a new T-shirt with a "bulls eye" on the front.
When I ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then more...
The Yoko club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy club? I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
The Arafat club? Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
The Japanese theater club? Noh.
The Quarterback club? I'll pass.
The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.
The Compulsive Rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
The Spanish Optometrists club? Si.
The Anti-perspirant club? Sure.
The Pregancy club? Conceivably.
The Procrastinator's club? Maybe next week.
The Self-Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me anyway
The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house
The Co-Dependence club? Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group? God willing!