Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your more...
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Yes, they're ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Are the bears with collars tame?
4. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
5. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
6. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
7. Are there birds in Canada?
8. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
9. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
10. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
11. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
12. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
13. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields?
14. How far is Banff from more...
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger more...
46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
30% of them refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of them always wash their hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they don't always flush.
45.2% pee in the shower.
44.9% pee in the ocean.
28.1% pee in the pool.
1.Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
2.Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
3.Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
4.Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
5.Lymph - v To walk with a lisp.
6.Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
7.Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
8.Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
9.Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
11.Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
12.Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the more...