Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words' Uh-oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, more...

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F%*& you!"

5) The fifth kind of sex is Public Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

. ..a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.

...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.

...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.

...doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.

...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.

...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic.

...you would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.

...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.

...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it.

...all people would expect to be accepted.

...every once in a while at least, a kid who always more...

Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

9. Spend more time at work.

10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

14. Start being superstitious.

15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur more...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q:Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one more...