Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes

AL GORE: I invented that chicken. I raised chickens on the family farm. With my own two hands I fed them, I watered them, I shoveled after them. Until I draw my last breath, I will not rest until every chicken is safe to cross the road. My opponent's chicken policy is a risky scheme that will endanger social security.

GEORGE W: I think my record in Texas shows my concern for chickens crossing the road everywhere. My policies will ensure that no chicken will be left behind. Additionally, they will have the right to invest their egg money in ways that will ensure they have a retirement that will provide for them.

HILLARY CLINTON: It takes a village to raise a chicken. I've been all over New York State listening to chickens everywhere. I've been a fan of New York chickens my whole life.

JOHNNY COCHRAN: You think you saw that chicken cross the road? But what's the real story? The L.A.P.D. made it LOOK like that chicken crossed the road. That Mark Furman more...

When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.

Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.

Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.

Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.

When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.

Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.

Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."

Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.

Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"

Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Christmas starts to make you mad.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again,' cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

Naps are good.

Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun more...

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new more...

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'alL" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshields, which comes from yelling at other more...

The Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast That Sound Dirty BUT AREN'T:

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line)

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the more...

RELATIONSHIP BUTTONS

1. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

2. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

3. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

4. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

GENERAL LIFE

5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

6. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

7. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

8. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

OFFICE BUTTONS

10. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

13. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

GREAT INSULT BUTTONS

14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

15. You! Off my planet!