Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get' em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far more...
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the more...
~ STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by Elizabeth Taylor
~ BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
~ THE ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC by White Star Lines
~ HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
~ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
~ THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
~ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
~ THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
~ AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
~ DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
~ DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
~ EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
~ GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
~ SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
~ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
~ MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off.
Act your age.
Am I talking to a brick wall?
As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
Big boys don't cry.
C'mon, you throw like a girl.
Coffee will stunt your growth.
Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
Didn't your teacher teach you anything?!
Do what I say, not what I do.
Do you think I am made of money?
Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
Don't give me any of your lip, young lady.
Don't make me stop the car!
Don't tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
Don't use that tone with me!
Don't worry. It's only blood.
Don't you know any normal boys?
Enough is enough!
Get your elbows off the more...
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
Corollary 1:
Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2:
Always order food "to go".
The Paramedical Laws of Time:
There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.
Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59.
(Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
The Paramedical Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
The Paramedical Law of Time And more...
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
...could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
I hope his family won't miss him
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is more...