Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes
From actual resumes as reported by Fortune Magazine:
"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not more...
1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
6. Interesting aromas.
7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago. (Detroit News article)
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline)
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out (The Tallahassee Bugle)
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters (The Tallahassee Democrat)
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The Houston Chronicle)
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands (Bangor Maine News)
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times)
Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal (The Bosnia Bugle)
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax (San Antonio Times)
Rose more...
Afterbirth--when the hard part begins.
Cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
Elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
First Trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
Maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.
Miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.
Obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.
Pregnant Pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal--when your life was still your own.
Pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby more...
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Why are people who "need no introduction" always introduced?
If you had 20 odds and ends on a table and all but one fell off, what's left, an odd or an end?
What is the speed of dark?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do you believe in love at first sight?...Or do I have to walk by again?
Do you sleep on your stomach?...No?. ..Can I?
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can easily see myself in your pants.
Tomorrow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?
Your parents must be bakers cuz they sure put out a great set of buns!
Your parents must be thief's cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a little Irish in you?
Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all night.
1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4.Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol more...