Fun List Jokes / Recent Jokes
Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I'm in the management training program
Actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I was dreaming about work!
Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold more...
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Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
30. Oh I just couldn't; Hell, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. We don't keep firearms in this house.
24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23. You can't feed that to the dog.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
16. I thought Graceland was tacky.
15. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
14. Honey, we don't need another dog.
13. Would you like your fish poached or more...
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
The three words most hated by men during sex:
"Are you in?"
The three words women hate to hear when having sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the more...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said more...