Funny Ads Jokes / Recent Jokes
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ‘84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Dear Kill 17, 000
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At my University’s Student center Bathrooms: “If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police. ”
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey “Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance. ”
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: “Rest Area Next Right” - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, “If your going to steal, then smile for the camera. ”
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read “Will work for food. ” If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read “Now hiring. ”
At an office: “This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and more...
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn’t work)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: Beware! i shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. everyone welcome
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. any person passing this point will be drowned. by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Sign in a Laundromat Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
Outside a farm: Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself
In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
On a church door: This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door.(this door is kept locked because of the draft. please use side door.)
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. it will remain closed more...
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
An ad on the subway in NYC: “Learn to read and speak English. Call us now. ”
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: “Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed. ”
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: “Used beer department. ”
On a store front in Florida: “Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours! ”
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: “Smile, You’re on Radar! ”
Seen in a State Park in California: “Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it’s wet, it’s raining. If it’s moving, it’s windy. If you can’t see it, it’s foggy. If rock is gone, it’s a tornado. ”