Funny Ads Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 1999
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity more...

~ On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".~ On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."~ Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."~ At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach
sooner."~ On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."~ On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."~ In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."~ On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."~ Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to
take a leak."~ In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"~ On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."~ In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

Actual headlines collected from local, national, and international newspapers that are rather ambiguous. It is clear what the writer was trying to say, but in each case there is a funnier interpretation of the headline. Enjoy!Eye Drops Off ShelfProstitutes Appeal to PopeKids Make Nutritious SnacksQueen Mary Having Bottom ScrapedDealers Will Hear Car Talk at NoonMilk Drinkers are Turning to PowderJuvenile Court to Try Shooting DefendantPanda Mating Fails; Veterninarian Takes OverTwo Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout CounterAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftInclude Your Children When Baking CookiesOld School Pillars are Replaced by AlumniHospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsLawmen From Mexico Barbeque GuestsTwo Soviet Ships Collide, One DiesRed Tape Holds Up New BridgeIraqi Head Seeks ArmsHershey Bars Protest

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or more...