Funny Ads Jokes / Recent Jokes

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.

Microsoft: “How much are you going to pay today? ”

MTV: “Loud and easy to spell. ”

Saks 5th Avenue: “You Could Shop Here if You’re Poor, But That Would be Stupid! ”

Iguana: “The other green meat. ”

Nike: “Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump! ”

Daisy Air Rifles: “Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years. ”

Canon Photocopiers: “Quit calling them Xeroxes! ”

Apple MacIntosh: “Hey, we thought of it first! ”

Radio Shack: “You’ve got questions, we’ve got geek losers! ”

Professional Bowling on NBC: “Oh, why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself instead? ”

Public service announcements around the world.
USA: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your children are? ”
Italy: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your husband is? ”
France: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your wife is? ”
Poland: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know what time it is? ”

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone’s ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don’t call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit. ”

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
Open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
Free puppies…part german shepherd, part dog
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog
Free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. unpleasant little dog.
German shephard. 85 lbs. neutered. speaks german. free.
Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
Free: farm kittens. ready to eat.
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good christian home.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
Whirlpool built in oven - frost free!
Frozen soft & gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents
American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
Tired of working for only $9. 75 per hour? we offer profit sharing and flexible hours. starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near southridge storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vincinity are dead.
The most romantic love songs of the ’50s: including “16 tons” by tennessee ernie ford
Exercise equipment queen size mattress & box spring - $175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it’s made of 100% italian leather.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
Found: dirty white dog…looks like a rat…been out awhile… better be a reward.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
Nordic track $300 - hardly used - call chubbie at:
Bill’s septic cleaning - “we haul american made products”
Shakespeare’s pizza - free chopsticks
Hummels - largest selection ever - “if it’s in stock, we have it! ”
President’s choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
Harrisburg postal employees gun club
Georgia peaches - california grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained