Garage Jokes / Recent Jokes

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot more...

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fucking there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!" Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his more...

Little Johnny had a terrible cussing problem and his father had had enough of it. Not knowing what to do, he decided to seek the advice of a psychiatrist.
The doctor suggested that, since Christmas was fast approaching, he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If Johnny cussed, then he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
A couple of days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted Santa to bring. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right fuckin' here beside me when I wake up Christmas morning."
"Then, when I go downstairs," Johnny continued, "I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the damn tree. When I go outside, I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
When Little Johnny woke up on Christmas morning, he rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he went downstairs and found a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. more...

A little boy and a little girl are playing in a sand box, and when they stand up their pants fall off.
The little boy asks the girl, "What's that?" She said, "I don't know." Then she says, "What's that." The little boy said, " I don't know." Then they go home and ask their older siblings what each of their parts are. The little boy's brother says, "That's your car, you park it in garages." The little girl's sister says, "That's your garage don't let any cars go in it." The next day they are at the playgound and soon return home again. The little girl's sister asks, "What's that in your hand?" The little girl replies, "The car tried to park in my garage so I ripped its back tires off."

You may be an engineer if...
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the more...

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

While leaving a poker party that lasted much longer than it was supposed to, as usual, two friends compared notes.
"I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask,' How ’bout a little?' and she pretends to be asleep."