Gas Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend`s, cousin`s, sister`s, ex-best friend`s, father-in-law`s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted. 2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper. a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee`s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this 3. Don`t buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula). 4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in more...

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend`s, cousin`s, sister`s, ex-best friend`s, father-in-law`s, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.

a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee`s first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this

3. Don`t buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly more...

Lost All Sense
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An elderly lady complains to the M. D. that she passes gas
many times a day.
"It's really more of a nuisance than a problem", she explains,
"they're silent and they don't smell."
The M. D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back
in a week.
She returns and says,"I don't know what it was you gave me,
doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it
smells terribly!"
The M. D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

Dumb New Jersey Laws
# You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. [Reader Comments on this Law.]
# On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
# It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
# It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
# If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
# Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
# You may not slurp your soup.
# Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
# It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
Bernards Township
# It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
Caldwell
# You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
Cranford
# Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
Cresskill
# All cats must wear more...

* I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.
* I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out.
* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.
* Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.
* Sorry Boss I can't come into work today... my spirit guide says work is for losers!
* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.
* I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.
* I can't more...

One year, Johnny’s family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state. Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier! ” Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid more...