Geography Jokes / Recent Jokes
A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heaven's gates. Others were lining up behind satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped satan on the shoulder.
'Excuse me, sir,' he said.' I'm supposed to be in line for judgment (didn't want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?'
'Oh,' satan said with a snicker.' Those are Oregonians. They're too wet to burn.'
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked,' 'Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?''
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,' 'You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?''
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another'' trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked,' 'Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.''
The English woman wrinkled her more...
Yes, there is a difference in the way the English language is used on the Eastern and Western parts of the USA. This translation guide is said to have been found in an East Coast office of a major computer manufacturer.
Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.
East Coast West Coast
absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that more...
why did the turtle cross the road?
to get to the shell station!
1. You have to fill in at least ten application forms to get the forma
you really wanted at any government institution.
2. Being a notorious tree-hugger, you can make every American
environmentalist look like some back-door ecology pig.
3. You belong to the only people on the world that lets its daily
policy be influenced by the deeds of some madman some sixty years ago.
4. No matter what you do, the international press will either call you
a warmonger, a Nazi or a wanna-be-Napoleon.
5. good beer
6. good food
7. Tradition (not to be confused with that blood-and-honour-crap the
Nazis believed in)
8. Autobahnen (motorways) without speed limit
9. Mercedes
10. In-built sense of pacifism (true! )
A Frenchman an Englishman and a Scotsman were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief came to them and said the bad news is now that we've caught you were going to kill you and then we will use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is you get to choose how you will die.
The French man says I take ze poison...
The chief gives him some poison and the Frenchman says: "Viva la France" and drinks it down.
The English man says "a pistol for me please" the chief gives him a pistol and he points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen" and blows his brains out....
The Scotsman Yorker says "give me a fork" the chief is puzzled but shrugs and gives him the fork... The Scot takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his stomach and chest and sides. .everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over. Its horrible... The chief is appalled and screams "what are you more...