Glenn Jokes / Recent Jokes
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: more...
Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76-Year-Old John Glenn's Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle Discovery:
All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
"Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on menu.
One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
Installed a new bifocal windshield.
Space pants now go up to armpits.
Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
Old & New concerns for the baby boomers:
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Keg
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed more...
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.""What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"The vet more...
Adding to his woes, it seems Fox News Commentator Glenn Beck lost even more adverstisers. Apparently the White Citizens Council, American Nazi Party, KKK, and the National Man Boy Love Association don't want their reputations damaged.
Top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-yr-old John Glenn's return to space:
10) All important devices now operated by the Clapper
9) Shuttle's thermostat now set at 80 degrees
8) The cargo bay now converted into a shuffle board court
7) Amplifier now installed in the headphones
6) Metamucil now served instead of Tang
5) Little bowls of candy scattered around the ship
4) Top speed of shuttle now set at 25 MPH
3) Installed new bifocal windshield
2) Space pants now go up to the armpits
1) Left blinker left on for the entire mission.
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").
The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").
After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's more...