Groom Jokes / Recent Jokes
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
A cigarette lighter and a small more...
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to' love, honor and obey' and' be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill more...
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.
Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.
The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it.
Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking more...
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrowattention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eightsharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat downat a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinklein his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining roomand seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and hervoice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby forhis morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an oldhusband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.
Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, " Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"
The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, " well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."
The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this more...
While on their honeymoon, the young groom was all excited about consumating the marriage, saying to his new wife how he just couldn't wait to take care of her!
After minutes of rubbing, squeezing, kissing and licking, the young groom stopped.
"What's the matter, hon?" asked the bride.
"I don't know why I married you," replied the groom. "You don't have any breasts or hair on your pussy!"
"LOOK, GET OFF MY BACK!" the bride retorted.