Hanging Jokes / Recent Jokes

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands,
"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so
pissed I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse
for wear, pours him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another
ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give
you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY
you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale:

"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous
blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I
thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know,
it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of
minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the
blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm
INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was more...

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what'different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"

There Were Eleven People Hanging Onto A Rope That Came Down From A Plane. Ten Were Sardar, And One Was A Girl. They All Decided That One Person Should Get Off Because If They Didn? T, Then The Rope Would Break And Everyone Would Die. No One Could Decide Who Should Go, So Finally The Girl Said, “I’ll Get Off. ”After A Really Touching Speech From The Girl Saying She Would Get Off, All Of The Sardar Started Clapping.

there was a man named mr. murphy and he lived in a nursing home. one day his nurse came in and he said "
guess what"
and she replied with "
what"
and he said my penis died today. the next day she saw him walking around the halls with his penis hanging out of his gown and the nurse said "
mr. murphy put that away this instant."
he said "
well i told you my penis died"
she said "
that is no reason to have it hanging out of your gown"
then he said "
today is the veiwing!!"

Phone Call to God -
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The
Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's
private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists
that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the
Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to
pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally,
the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says:
"All right! The charges were 100, 000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few more...

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his crotch. The bartender says "Hey did you know there is a steering wheel hanging from you crotch?" The pirate says " Arrrrgh! Its drivin me nuts!"