Harvey Jokes / Recent Jokes

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman".
"Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this one end"?
"When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came crawling to me on her hands and knees".
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

Heard on Paul Harvey ("PAUL Harvey. .............. good Day!") this morning: When Coca-Cola was first introduced to China a short time ago, the company had some difficulty spelling the product's name in Chinese, while keeping the same pronunciation ("ko-ka ko-la"). .. the first attempt translated to "bite the wax tadpole." Finally they arrived at something which translated to "may your mouth rejoice," and now Coke is selling quite a bit better.

Harvey and Sara - an elderly married couple - have trouble remembering things, so they write everything down. One night in bed, Sara gets a craving and wakes up her husband.
'Get up and bring me some apple pie and ice cream, Harvey,' Sara says. 'And you better write it down.'
'I think I can remember that,' Harvey mumbles as he heads for the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, Harvey returns with a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage.
'What's this?' Sara asks.
'It's what you asked for!' Harvey says.
'See, I told you to write it down,' Sara says. 'You forgot my toast.'

Harvey's friends all call him the "better-luck-next-time" inventor. In case you're wondering why, here's a partial list of his inventions:
Preparation G (a soothing rectal ointment).
The Salvation Navy (charitable organization designed to help the needy).
6-Up (a clear, bubbly, soft-drink).
Wolksvagen (a small car Harvey has dubbed the "WV").
Whitejack (card game where you try to reach 22 points before going bust).
The Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to become our National Anthem).
Nice Krispies (breakfast cereal that goes snip, crickle, pip when milk is added.)
Dogsup (tasty condiment for hamburgers, hot-dogs, etc.)
Five-shooter (a five shot revolver).