Hear Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Camptown Races":

I can't come to the telephone;

doo-dah, doo-dah.

Leave your message when you hear the tone;
oh, de doo-dah day.

Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...

So leave a message when you hear the tone.

I'll call you back someday...

Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!

Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? A: They take off their makeup.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mothers day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.

"Winter Wonderland":

Hear the ring, inside our home.

Once again, can't get the phone.

So please be polite,

You know that it's right,

And leave a message when you hear the tone.

Once a doctor went to a mental hospital. he was walking by a room and saw a guy holding his ear to the wall, so the doc went to that guy and pushed him aside and tried to listen so the doc put his ear against the wall and said i don't hear anything. that guy slaped the doctor and said i'm listening to this wall for 20 years i don't hear anything you just came and how the hell can you hear something.

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you %$&#@ idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "assh*le" at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...