Husband Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day a husband and a wife are gardening when the husband says to the wife that her butt is as big as the grill. She objects, and so they decide to measure it. Sure enought it is as big as the grill and the wife is mad. When they are both in bed the husband is very sorry and asks if the wife will make love to him. The wife replied,"Do you really think I am gonna fire up this big as grill for one little weenie?"

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was Work jokes. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump outthe window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out thewindow and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raininglike hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches usin here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbedhis clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outsidehe found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so hestarted running along side the others -- only he was still inthe nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels sofree having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you more...

A woman opened her door on Halloween night to find the most adorable little girl with golden blonde hair and the biggest blue eyes standing before her. Dressed as an angel, the little girl was truly delightful.
"What do you say, sweetheart?" the woman asked.
"Twick or Tweat!" the little angel said softly.
The woman got such a kick out of this that she called her husband to come to the door so he could see the adorable child. "Go ahead, honey, say it one more time," she said to the little girl.
Again, the little angel looked up and softly said, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agreed that this little angel was just the cutest thing. The woman took an apple from the treat bowl, polished it up and dropped it into the little girl's treat bag.
The adorable little angel looked in her bag, then up at the woman and exclaimed, "Way to go lady. You just smashed my fucking cookies!"

A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three
things that she's looking for in a husband:
She wants a man who won't beat her.
She wants a man that won't leave her.
She wants a really great lover.
A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with
no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, "How may I help
you?"
He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.
She says, "Oh, but I am looking for a man that won't beat me."
He replies, "I have no arms. How can I beat you?"
She says, "Ok, but I want someone who won't leave me."
And he replies, "I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I can't even
move. How could I leave you?"
She nods her head and says, "Well, what I really want is a great lover."
The man looks at her and says, "Lady, how do you think I rang the more...

Husband: If a man steals anything, he will live to regret it.

Wife: You used to steal kisses from me before we were married.

Husband: Well...

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!""What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything." "Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were." Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top." By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"

I bet you don't know what day this is, said the wife toher husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened thedoor, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmedred roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favoritechocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designerdress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfiedthat he had recovered what could have been a very badsituation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then thechocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've neverhad a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"