Ice Jokes / Recent Jokes

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums more...

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for more...

A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."
"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell' van,' as in' vanilla?'"
The man spells, "V A N."
"Now spell' straw,' as in' strawberry.'"
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl asked, "spell' stink,' as in chocolate."
The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.

Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom? A: To keep the swelling down.

THE IMPORTANT THINGS LIFE TEACHES US
1. Most Important Question.
During a students second month in a nursing school, the professor gave them a pop quiz. The students were a conscientious group and had breezed through the questions, until they read the last one:
What is the name of the women who cleans the school?
Surely this was some kind of joke they thought. They had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark hared and in her 50s, but how would they know her name?
They handed in their papers leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count towards the quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello." They never forgot that lesson. They also learnt that the cleaning woman's name was Dorothy.
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2. more...

The Good Housekeeping Way #1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice-cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway

The Good Housekeeping Way #2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

The Good Housekeeping Way #3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
The Real Women's Way:
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

The Good Housekeeping Way #4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way:
If you over more...

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with. Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play.

What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He took his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up more...