Influence Jokes

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you more...

ACURA
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AMC
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI
Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical more...

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:
1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"
6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!"
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally more...

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!"9. Sit underneath your chair.10. Stand on your head.11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.12. Never stop smiling.13. Scream every word.14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, more...

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. It is considered an offense to shower naked. You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. It is illegal to skateboard without a license. Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked more...