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Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7. 5, CruiseShip 2. 3, and OperaNight 6. 1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1. 3, SaturdayFootball 5. 0, Golf 2. 4 and ClutterEverywhere 4. 5. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14. 1 or HouseCleaning 2. 6.

I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix Husband 1. 0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!


Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women more...

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!

HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: What's an ignition?

HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!

HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from' E' to' F'. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It's pointing to' more...

You are attempting to install Windows XP. Are you sure you want to continue?
Yes.
Are you really sure?
Yes.
Are you really, really sure?
YES!
Ok, then. Just so you know, we're required to ask you that now. It's all your fault for being a picky consumer and supporting that whole "anti-trust" nonsense. Ingrate!
Just get on with it.
Attempting to install Windows XP. First we need to check your system for compatibility. This could take several days.
Groan. ..
The install program has detected several possible problems and will not let you install XP.
Problems? What problems?
The video card you are using apparently does not work with the motherboard.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
That is irrelevant.
But if the video card isn't working with the motherboard, then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't. ..
Do not attempt to fool me with logic, I am a more...

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1. 0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that,
Wife 1. 0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system
initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding
that some applications such as PokerNight 10. 3, BeerBash 2. 5, and
PubNight 7. 0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1. 0
automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55. 8 more...

Q: How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of lightbulbs.
Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What, me move?
Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. (C'mon, don't tell me you didn't see that coming!)
Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he has to bring his mother.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A dozen; one to change the lightbulb, and eleven to applaud.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.
Q: How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Libras can't decide whether or not the lightbulb needs to be changed.
Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; they LIKE the dark.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a more...

Discretion advised when upgrading.
Last year, a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular aspect was included in the product brochure or documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and more...

Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I don't think we could do that."