Install Jokes / Recent Jokes

The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual.
The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new version.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.
The year it was due to ship.
The 98 stands for average CPH: Crash Per Hour.
Bill Gates' age when it ships.
The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at usable speed.
The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0. In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9. 9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5. 0 and NBA 3. 0. Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3to fix these problems, but to no avail. - -Desperate***************************************Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1. 0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME" and install Tears 6. 2. Husband 1. 0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3. 0 and Flowers 7. 0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1. 0 to default to GrumpySilence 2. 5, more...

Microsoft Announces a Major Corporate Diversification
Into the Car Making Business.
The major design criteria are:
Economies in interior design are based upon uniform size back-sides
seats are all the same size and standard distance from the steering wheel.
The cars will only run on Microsoft petrol (Microsoft LP Gas will be
announced soon ..)
The oil, alternator, low-fuel and engine management system warning
lights will be replaced by a single "General Car Protection Fault"
warning light.
Delivery strategy is such that the consumer is under constant
pressure to upgrade (modestly priced "upgrade" kits will be available
either dealer fitted or self install). Support for self install is
an extra cost option, cost based upon the number of calls and the
number of callers.
You can only have one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
Car95 or CarNT but having bought one of these, you still need more...

The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the easy install version of the manual.
The percentage of existing Windows programs that won't run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number MHz required for the OS to run.
Bill Gates' age when it ships.
The number of seconds before it crashes.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows 95 really stands for:
The year it was due to ship.

Dear Tech Support: I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1. 0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Hang out with the Guys Night 10. 3, Multiple Sports Nights 2. 5 and Saturday Football 5. 0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1. 0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7. 0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe--------------------------Dear Joe: This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary more...

What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors
doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive,
because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if
they did...
Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!"
Helpline: "Did you put the key in the ignition and
turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come
I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: more...

What if people bought cars like they buy
Computers?
The car companies don't have help lines
for people who don't know how to drive,
because people don't buy cars like they
buy computers, imagine if they did...
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How
come I have to know all these technical terms to
use my car.
Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it
won't go anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front
panel with a needle and markings of 'E' and more...