Ivan Jokes

Version One:

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone
who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that
garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but
didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Version Two:

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"My neighbor Ivan Asimov is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go over to Asimov's house. They more...

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to suck your blood!! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan my money back now! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan idea you don't want to see me! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
It's not Ivan who, it's Ivanhoe! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan idea you know who it is! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan infectious disease!
Slam! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan U. Hat, do you like it? Knock Knock
Who's there!
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan enormous snake in my pocket!

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"
Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."
Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

Ivan the peasant promises Gorbachev that he will free Russia of its three greatest problems - alcoholism, the shortage of housing and church-going - in three days.

He managed to do all this. You ask how??? First, by allowing vodka to be freely bought and sold - alcoholics drank themselves to death.

Second, by opening the borders - those who remained had no problem finding a place to live.

And finally by putting a sign up on churches which said "HONOUR THE CENTRAL COMMITEE OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF THE SOVIET UNION" - and the people avoided churches

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.
He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 40 centimetres high.
So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: "I said:' Jump, flea!' and it jumped 40 cm."
Then he tore off one of the flea's legs. He said: "Jump, flea!" and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: "When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm."
Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.
When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded.
Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: "Jump, flea!". No response.
He said again (in a high voice): "Jump, flea!". Nothing.
He shouted: "Jump, flea!!!". The flea did not move.
So Ivan more...