Jewish Jokes / Recent Jokes

Riddle
Q: What is Jewish Alzheimer`s Disease?
A: It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.

So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.

She says,' I'd like to, but it's so much trouble... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd...'

He replies,' Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab; I'll send a limo for you!'

To which his mother replies,' I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble.'

He replies,' Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.

To which she replies,' Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble.'

He more...

Suddenly Single
Suzie and Carol, two widows in a Hendon adult community centre, were curious about the latest arrival - a quiet, nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself.
Carol said to Suzie, "You know I`m shy. Why don`t you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks so lonely." Suzie agreed.
So she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"I`m lonely,” he said, "Because I`ve spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You`re kidding me! What ever for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I poisoned her."
"And, if I may ask, what about your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell out the window."
"Oh my goodness," said Suzie.
Then turning to her friend more...

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
* If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal more...

A mohel was in the unsual habit of saving the foreskins from the babies he circumcised. Everyone thought this was evidence enough that the old man was deranged. When they found out that he wasn't just saving them, but sewing them into miniature change-purses, they were ready to call for the men in white coats.
The mohel insisted, though, that he was in full possession of his faculties. "I'm just being practical," he said. "They're the most useful change-purses in the world. Just watch! You rub one, and it turns into a suitcase!"

A tourist in San Francisco is walking around in Chinatown and sees a sign that says "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry". Moishe Plotnik??? Where the heck does that come from???
So he walks in and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. He asks, "How did a place like this get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well who and where is the owner?"
"Me right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did YOU get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple...Many year ago when come to this country, standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, "What's your name?" He say, "Moishe Plotnik." Then she look at me and go, "What your name?" I say, "Sem Ting...."

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended
up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me
three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads
to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?" asks Morris.
"My life insurance policy."