Jock Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes."Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked."Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd"?
Michael Jordan made over $300, 000 a game. That equals $10, 000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178, 100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52, 000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9. 50, but he'll make $18, 550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7, 415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3, 710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90, 000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2. 00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around more...

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years.
One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says “Open it up and we’ll have a dram. ”
“Naw, ah’m goin’ tae save it for a special occasion. ”
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed.
He motioned for his old friend to come closer.
“Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won? ”
“Aye, ah certainly do, Angus! ”
“Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend. ”
“Aye, anything ye ask Angus. ”
“When ah’m dead, wid ye take that bottle an’ open it up–”
“Aye, Angus, then what? ”
“Wid ye pour it over ma grave? ”
“Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It’s 40 year old Scotch! But I’ll do it for ye. more...

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."
"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"
"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"
"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."
"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."
"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"
"Aye, Angus, then what?"
"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"
"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it more...