Journal Jokes / Recent Jokes

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of preventative maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO."
-Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -U.S. Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS! "-Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE more...

-USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
-Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
-Readers Digest: 'BYE
-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
-Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
-Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T more...

For Christmas last year my wife gave me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity Internet Web team in college, I decided it was a good idea to try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. I thought y'all might enjoy my journal:
Day 1:
Started the morning at 5: 00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club, Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 30-50 points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was more...

Usa Today:
We're DeadThe Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets As World EndsMicrosoft Systems Journal:
Apple Loses Market ShareSports Illustrated:
Game OverWired:
The Last New ThingRolling Stone:
The Grateful Dead Reunion TourReaders Digest:
'ByeDiscover Magazine:
How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?Tv Guide:
Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!Lady's Home Journal:
Lose 10 Lbs By Judgment Day With Our New "Armageddon" Diet!Inc. Magazine:
Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse