Juice Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? ”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange. ”
The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer! ” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a more...

Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label - he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more...

Yo' mama is so stupid she tried to make apple juice out of grapes!

Ingredients:

1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 cup nuts
1 cup butter
1 BOTTLE WHISKEY

Procedure:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Get out a large bowl. Check the whiskey again--to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in the large bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in one cup of fried druit.

Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in the beatererers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something??? Who cares? Check the whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Sugar or something. more...

An old man was in the hospital. Every time the young nurse came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning?" One day, the old man decided to get back at the annoying nurse.

He had received apple juice with his breakfast. Since he had been given a urine specimin bottle to fill, you know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the bottle. She looked at it and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..."

At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying,. .."Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better for you this time."

The nurse fainted!

You will need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 eggs
2 cups of dried chopped fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
2-1/2 cups flour
1 cup brown sugar
1-1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts
1 cup lemon juice
Bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large mixing bowl.
Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Try another cup.
Turn off the mixer. Break eggs and add to the bowl. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt... or something... anything... who cares.
Check the whishkey. Repeat.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain more...