Lab Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chemistry Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
Soon would be there.

The students were sleeping
So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
And I in my smock.

When outside the lab
There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
Not one of knew.

The flood-lights shone out
O're the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
A water-trough sleigh.

And holding the bonds
Tied to each one of them
Was a more...

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.

First draw your curves, then plot your data.

Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.

To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.

Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.

Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware more...

Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.

Two Hunters from Michigan (a true story). This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator SUV for $42, 500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in the winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen over. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new Vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the more...

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."

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A professor at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., was telling his students that they would be responsible for reading 5 books, and he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose. He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook......" One student was working fervishly to get down the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. The student behind him whispered, "He's taking attendance."

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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.
He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. ” The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the lab’s mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.
So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the lab’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.
The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this more...

Forwarded from a guy at MIT who knows this guy at WPI. Story confirmed by a co-employee who graduated from MIT. Unfortunately we don't have an e-dress for Mikey to REALLY confirm this, but then, who would make THIS up?; -)

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And so I get back to school, start my senior year, two research projects, grad school applications, GRE preparation, and the like. The year started off good, but that all changed about two months ago. Some of you (especially those at Berkeley) may have heard rumors of some bizarre accident that I was involved in. So here is the truth, unabridged, for those of you who actually want to know...

Around the second week of school, the society of physics students held a roughly annual welcome back party, and, as tradition dictates, we made our own ice cream with liquid nitrogen (77 K) as a refrigerant and aerator.

Things were going fine for a while. We spilled a little of the nitrogen onto a table, and more...