Land Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250, 000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

So I quit my job and moved down there for good.

And just last night, as I sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three more...

There are three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, stranded on an island 20 miles away from the nearest land. The brunette decided to try to swim to shore.
She got 5 miles and got tired, but she kept going. She got 5 miles more but then she drowned. The redhead was stronger, so she decided to try. She got about 10 miles, and got tired, but she also kept going and drowned.
The blonde was the strongest of the three, and decided to try. She got 15 miles, when she got tired. She kept going until she was one mile from land. She decided that she was too tired, so she turned around and went back.

A potted version of the state of affairs in our country inscribed behind an autorickshaw:
Jheel par paani barasta hai, hamaarey deysh mein Kheyt paani ko tarasta hai, hamaarey deysh mein Zindgee ka haal khasta hai, hamaarey deysh. mein Insaan ka khoon sasta hai, hamaarey deysh mein Ab leedron, afsaron aur paagalon ko chhor kar Kaun khul kar hastua hai, hamaarey deysh mein? The rain fall on lakes in our land While fields go thirsty in our land
What lives of misery do we live in our land
Human blood is cheap in our land
Now besides leaders, officials and lunatics
No one laughs heartily in our land.

How was America named? When Columbus was sailing to America, there was a Chinese guy on the very top of the ship. The Chinese guy spots a land and doesn`t know what it is. He points at the land and saids "Ah meh lay gah."

Many people have noticed that Tolkien's novel "The Lord of the
Rings" bears an uncanny resemblance to the game of Dungeons and
Dragons, in that it contains elves, dwarves, orcs and so forth.
Clearly Tolkien was much influenced by D&D, and a recently
unearthed recording, probably made by MI5, shows him playing
Dungeons and Dragons on the floor of his rooms in Merton College,
Oxford, one evening, with C.S. Lewis, Charles Williams, and
various other luminaries.
Here is part of the transcript of the recording, which all will
agree is of great historical interest.
C.S. Lewis: Well, Tom, it's really good of you to come along and
act as Dungeon Master for the evening. Haven't enjoyed myself so
much since I played in G.K. Chesterton's dungeon and slew Father
Brown.
T.S. Eliot (for it is he): Thanks. Anyway, is Father Aslan going
to go and explore the Waste Land further yet, or will he have
another drink?
Lewis: That more...

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had jurt celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"