Large Jokes / Recent Jokes
Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.
Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place that was just right.
The landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you`re you`re finished with, you will need it instantly.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you`re dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost risk of setting off disastrous more...
body: This is a true transcript of an essay written by a M. P. at the Parliamentarians English Exam (PEE). As many Parliamentarians failed it, PEE is not done in Parliament anymore.
The Sri Lanka Elefant
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There is a three Sri Lanka elefants. One is a home elefant. Two is a val elefant. Three is a UNP party animal.
The elefant has 5 legs.
Elefant has long thunk hanging between. 2 white iworry tasks some have on both side of hanging thunk. These iworry is very moneyful. Some bad men rape the val elefant to get iworry.
Elefants like to eat banananas, bunns, gnanakathas, like that. It like to drink milk and toddy. Like you and other people elefants send extra food out to the world from the behind of the backside at the back.
Elefants have tail. This is to move its fly. Some time elefant is moving tail this way that way but his fly is not out. Then elefant gets angry and runs around like a man with prithi kashana.
Elefant more...
Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for more...
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it`s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he`s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn`t want to go more...
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."